<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>I Admire You (Saimota) by ySoda (yrxole)</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24321430">I Admire You (Saimota)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/yrxole/pseuds/ySoda'>ySoda (yrxole)</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canonical Character Death, Dangan Ronpa Spoilers, Frustration, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Killing Game (Dangan Ronpa), Late Night Conversations, M/M, Momota Kaito is inspirational I guess, New Dangan Ronpa V3 Spoilers, Not Beta Read, Oma Kokichi Is a Little Shit, Sad, Sad Saihara Shuichi, Sad with a Happy Ending, Saihara Shuichi-centric, Short, Short One Shot, Shuichi Saihara needs to stop thinking so much is basically all, saimota, uhm this is kind of a vent fic sorry, universe talk and all that jazz</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 06:00:43</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,321</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24321430</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/yrxole/pseuds/ySoda</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Shuichi just needs someone to listen to him, and Kaito is there.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Momota Kaito &amp; Saihara Shuichi, Momota Kaito/Saihara Shuichi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>94</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>I Admire You (Saimota)</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/drevis/gifts">shsleon (drevis)</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>A/N:</p>
<p>Hi, so sorry for writing this very late! I had actually no inspiration for saimota at first, but today I had, so I hope it's okay that it's not too long of a story. <br/>I hope you don't mind. </p>
<p>Warning: some sad stuff, explicit language</p>
<p>Constructive critisim is welcome, but please don't be too harsh on me :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Shuichi Saihara let out quiet puffs in contrast to the obvious complaining he usually did as he lowered himself, forearms bracing on the grassy ground outside of the school, before pushing his tired muscles to move up once again. The training he had started to do under Kaito’s guidance was not only good for his physique, but he realised it was pretty nice for his mentality as well, although today was a day like no others. Today he was having a hard time staying focussed, not paying mind to the limp body of the ultimate astronaut next to him that did nothing of this so called training he proposed in the first place, instead opting to stare at the stars. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shuichi usually had kind of a clear mind, definitely when it had to do with cases or mysteries. He could figure out the details if he just sat behind his screen long enough, a cup of coffee in hand and focussing on the words, trying to read in between the lines when no one else could. He could set his mind solemnly on the task that was at hand if he truly wanted to, and therefore being a pretty fast worker. He wasn’t one to stop putting thought behind anything, but usually he could put a pause to his train of thoughts only to hop on another one to make sure he didn’t overlook anything. Most days his uncle had praised him for this talent, and it made Shuichi wonder how his uncle was doing right now. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>The detective bit his lip as he gripped onto the muddy grass underneath him, lowering the upper half of his body and feeling a strange sensation run through his head. He couldn’t quite grasp where this was coming from or why it was happening right now of all moments it could have been happening, but he was almost certain it felt like some sort of panic rising through his head, pumping through his veins and putting a stop to the work out he was pushing his body to go through. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>Kaede Akamatsu was dead.</span>
  </em>
  <em>
    <span>
      <br/>
      <br/>
    </span>
  </em>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It wasn’t news, actually. It had happened a little while ago, and the bluenette had had enough time to get over this fact. He had Kaito Momota to thank for that probably, since he actually stood by his side and forced him to man up and stop thinking about it when he needed to, but it was just a sentence that refused to fully leave his brain, no matter how hard he tried. As he closed his eyes tightly he could only see the metal wrapping around her throat and forcing her to die horribly, and he could only think about the fact that it was </span>
  <em>
    <span>his fault </span>
  </em>
  <span>everyone voted for her. He could have said nothing, he could’ve stopped the truth from coming out, and even though she wanted him to tell them, he shouldn’t have. He could have pretended to know nothing and let her get away with it, since Kaede truly was the only one that did deserve to get out of this if she was willing to sacrifice herself for the others. Because that was the point. Once again the truth was something that Saihara hated to find out, something that made him want to take his hat and cover his eyes forever, although he swore the thing off now. He could do as much for the girl now she was dead. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>The worst part maybe was that Shuichi couldn’t understand this whole killing game, and what was the purpose of it. He liked to think in solutions and work to a logical explanation, but what if there was none? He kind of figured some strange organisation was behind this, and perhaps there were certain types of criminal people that found a killing game between high school students appealing, but why did they specifically get chosen? Nothing he could think of connected him with the students that now were forced into this killing game, and nothing connected their schools either. Rantaro Amami seemed to know a little more, but he was very soon silenced in an unfair way. It had never been Akamatsu’s intention for an innocent person to die, and when he did, she needed to pay for her crimes that she only wanted to commit out of care for the others around her. It wasn’t fair. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shaking his head, Shuichi forced his eyes to stay open as he continued the practice he had done multiple evenings now. Counting patches of grass to keep his mind off of things wasn’t necessarily working, and even Momota glanced at him curiously so now and then, although he didn’t speak yet. It wasn’t like him to be intruding. Shuichi truly did not deserve a friend like that. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>
    <br/>
  </span>
  <span>Shuichi wasn’t just sad, that wasn’t all. He was angry. You could maybe call it pissed, even. He felt ridiculed in this situation, like everyone’s lives were toyed with, and for what. For some stupid stuffed animal to tell them what they could and couldn’t do? For some petty criminal hiding behind the eyes of a robot and making jokes about the corpses of their friends? For some organization to come up with a group of five smaller bears that would have their fun little chatter while these students were working their asses off not to get murdered? The detective didn’t get angry often, but this organization truly managed to get his full loathing. He felt no sympathy for the mastermind that was the brains behind these actions, behind this horrible puppet show with stupid dialogue between the colored bears and horrifying rules of the black and white one that was technically the boss around here. His voice, his way of talking, his rules, it all felt like a big slap in the face and a big </span>
  <em>
    <span>fuck you </span>
  </em>
  <span>for the teens that were actually dying in this situation. The group at least should have the audacity to show up, but no. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘Hey, Shuichi, calm down, you’re overworking yourself bro’, Kaito said carefully as he watched his friend stare straight ahead when he was pushing himself to keep on training, far past the fifty push ups they had agreed on doing. He knew his friend well enough for these last couple of days to see that this wasn’t good, and that he could be stuck in his own thoughts far too long for any sane person to handle. Sometimes Momota wished that the guy could just see the world as Kaito did it, since he was pretty sure that nagging voice that kept blaming himself in his head would finally learn to shut up, but things just weren’t as easy as that. There was no response from the ultimate detective, who wasn’t counting the amount of work he was doing any longer, only pushing himself to stay up so he wouldn’t break down as hard as his thoughts were breaking down on him. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <em>
    <span>What did they do to deserve this?</span>
  </em>
  <span> Shuichi didn’t know, and he didn’t want to know if it was just going to be a fun little thing for that Monokuma dude to joke about again and rub in their faces. Surely all that Saihara had been doing was staying low after things went down when he solved a murder case and got attention from the media where he did not want it to be, seeing he felt nothing but guilt for solving the crime. Some crimes were better to stay unsolved he supposed, and perhaps so was this one, but that was hard seeing he was basically living in this mystery. </span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He was apparently the only one that cared too much, as everyone else around him had seemingly gotten used to the fact that they were forced into this situation. It was perhaps even possible they completely forgot what they promised Kaede, they would help each other out of there, but by now more and more of their friends were losing it and going after one another, creating death and dishonoring the pianist’s death more every second that passed. It wasn’t just Akamatsu that now died for nothing, it were the others as well. Rantaro, Kirumi, Ryoma… he wouldn’t think about them as much when he could avoid to, but it was no less unfair to them as it was to him. People like Kokichi Ouma walking around and pissing everyone off even more in the situation that they were in, it hurted his head to think about. Shuichi couldn’t actually do anything about it, or about him, was the thing. He didn’t want to speak up and start a scene, he didn’t want his whole class to turn against the supreme leader, no matter how bad he may have been; he wanted to avoid future deaths from happening, although the purple haired little gremlin seemed like he didn’t mind the amount of pain that was caused around him. Saihara tried to sympathise with everyone around him, he truly did, but sometimes it was just very hard to keep himself together. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>He was supposed to be the ultimate detective, the one to always be able to help everyone and guide them forward, but he didn’t know if he could handle that title. Heck, everyone was completely used to his support during the trials now, and they relied on him one hundred percent, which was crazy to the bluenette; why did they decide to put so much trust in him, if he maybe wasn’t able to live the life of the person they tried to make him out to be? He wasn’t as smart as everyone told him to be, he was just lucky when it came to evidence and he could present things in a logical way, but what if he was wrong? Every other ultimate put complete faith in the young adult, faith that he could misuse any way he wanted to, were it to be purposely or accidentally. They didn’t seem to think for a second that maybe it wasn’t that great an idea to always follow him like a lifeline when Shuichi wasn’t sure where those lines were coming from, and if he was stable enough to keep them up high; one misstep on his side and they were all done for. He had Kaede to support him, sure, but now she was only a thought and a memory imprinted in his brain to taunt him for the things he was doing wrong. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Shuichi was shaken out of his thoughts when he felt the light pressure of Kaito’s hand setting on his shoulder. He blinked, eyes looking up into Kaito’s warm ones, as he gave him a worried look. ‘What’s going on with you today, dude?’, Momota asked, his voice gentle although it was still energetic as usual, and it calmed the detective that trusted this man to no end as well. ‘Nothing, don’t worry about it. I’m fine’, Saihara responded quietly, sitting himself up a little and playing nervously with his fingers. ‘I think that were enough push ups’, he added to that to change the subject, not really keen on having to open up about this. He wasn’t really ashamed of his emotions or anything, but he couldn’t say he felt proud to be blaming others for their behaviour as well for once instead of making himself seem the one to be at fault at all times. ‘You know Shuichi, there’s no shame in talking to me. From one man to another, you can be honest with me, you know?’, the astronaut said as his eyes didn’t leave Shuichi for a second, genuine care making him able to see through this lie and want to help his friend the best he could. ‘I know…’, the detective responded as he trailed off, hands gripping onto the blue strands of his hair irritatedly, mostly irritation that was aimed towards himself and the situation he found himself in. Kaito nudged his shoulder softly, the coat he was sitting on big enough for the two of them to lean on, as they obviously trained without the extra warm jackets to be able to breathe a little more. ‘Fine, it’s just. I don’t know what to think’, Shuichi said in all honesty, scratching his neck awkwardly and taking in the cold air that supplied a way for him to breathe. ‘There’s a lot going on, and there’s no way for me to know and be able to fight against everything’, the detective explained further, knowing he was being vague himself, but not sure if there was a better way to describe it. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘Well, maybe it’s not your job to find out everything for yourself. You can rely on your friends, right? There’s no reason for every mystery to be solved directly at once, you know this’, the astronaut told him, a carefree smile making its way on his face as he watched the detective, knowing his smiles were usually a little infectious. The guy had an endearing personality, Shuichi had to give him that, even if it made him come across as a little reckless or maybe even dumb at times. The bluenette knew him better than that. ‘Yeah, you’re right, but still. I want to be there for everyone, but what if I can’t? I’m not the big amazing detective everyone seems to take me for, I’m an apprentice that managed to solve a case because of pure luck and some logical thinking once or twice, but that doesn’t mean I’ll always be right. I could mess up once and for all, and everyone would blindly follow me- I can’t carry that burden, Kaito. It’s not just me who I’m doing my best for, it’s everyone else, but what if my best isn’t good enough? What if I’m not good enough? I mean, Ouma knows it, and the people that died under my watch know it-’, the detective rambled, finally loosening up a little as he let his worries verbally leave him, but the astronaut interrupted him before his train of thoughts could go downhill too soon. ‘Don’t say that Shuichi, I know you’re good enough. And Ouma’s opinion doesn’t matter, not to me at least. No one died under your watch, Shuichi. They died, sure, but you were always the one to bring them justice afterwards, no matter what cost; I think everyone is grateful to you, and rightfully so. If anyone can do it, it’s my sidekick’, Kaito said proudly, ruffling the bluenette’s hair, whose skin tinted a little redder. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘I have just you to rely on, you know? What if one day… something escalates? What if I won’t have you anymore, like Kaede?’, Shuichi asked quietly after a moment of silence, cold air seeping through his skin as he just noticed how dark outside it actually was in contrast to what he was used to back at home were street lights lit the atmosphere around him. ‘Trust me’, the purple haired ultimate smiled confidently, ‘I’m going nowhere. And even if I did, I’d leave all my wisdom to you, bro. And my muscles too, may you need them’. Shuichi chuckled softly, managing to clear his head a little as Momota was talking to him with full determination. ‘I admire how optimistic you can stay in this situation, you’re stronger than most of us here’, Saihara muttered, the skin near his eyes pricking a little for whatever reason he didn’t want to think about. ‘Someone had to take over Akamatsu’s spirits now, didn’t they?’, the astronaut replied as his eyes were focussed on the blue haired boy next to him, carefully studying his actions. ‘I guess so’, the detective agreed with a small sigh, biting his lip afterward. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘I just… I too want everyone to get along, like Kaede did. I want to continue preaching what she preached, even if it’s just for the sake to keep everyone’s spirits up high, but if I can’t even keep my own spirits up, how should I be able to carry the others? I want to be able to be like her, I truly do, but I can’t live up to her or the other dead students in any way. The things and the people we lost are never coming back to us, no matter how hard I try, and it’s frustrating. I just.. I just feel like I’m not doing enough, but these are my limits and I can’t do nothing more either’, Shuichi explained, his sight getting a little more blurry as he bit back frustrated tears, folding his arms over his own chest and sitting with his head leaning on his knees as he hunched over a little. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>Before he could question it, an arm was wrapped around Shuichi’s shoulders and he was pulled to lay down in the grass with Momota, head on his chest like a soft cushion as they stared up at the sky. ‘Wh-what are you doing?’, the detective stammered, and he heard and felt the soft chuckle coming from Kaito beneath him. ‘Just look up there, will you?’, he asked, and although the boy was hesitant, he complied anyway, and looked up at the sky. ‘What do you see?’, Kaito questioned him, one hand carefully gripping his shoulder for support. ‘Uh… stars, I guess’, Shuichi muttered in response as his gaze was fixed on the dark blue tints of the night sky, little lights littering the whole deal as some sort of well thought out painting. It was a rather pleasant sight, he had to admit, even if he didn’t spend a lot of time stargazing himself, but he supposed the astronaut admiring space would. ‘That’s right. You know, the funny thing about stars, is that they actually have limits as well, even though they look like they don’t. They’re stars for a reason, after all; they shine the brightest, litting the sky and standing strong with their might as they do. But even stars die sometimes’, Kaito said, and Shuichi listened to his deeper voice carefully as he spoke. ‘The light would fade, and there would be one less star in the sky. The other stars around it can’t do anything about it, of course, even if its place would now be an empty spot that nothing could fill. That doesn’t mean that the stars would stop shining all together though, as they still have things to care about. The universe is a big place, with many losses, but therefore also many gainings. The planets and stars in the solar system rely on each other, but also function on their own; even if something were to go down, that doesn’t bring the universe out of balance; nothing can. It’s never the fault of a single planet or a single star if things were to go down. They’re only out there doing what they can do, after all. And so do you’, Kaito continued, seeming to be a little confused by his own words as well, and even though the detective couldn’t fully follow it, he still felt his senses calm a little as he let his head rest on the soft rising and falling chest of Momota. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘Thanks, Kaito’, Shuichi muttered softly, moving his head to look up into the eyes of his friend, who smiled back brightly. ‘Ah, of course buddy, you’re my sidekick. Someone’s gotta keep you from drowning in those thoughts of yours’. The detective chuckled softly, and nodded, agreeing with the astronaut. ‘I suppose so. I don’t know what I’d do without you’, he said softly, looking back at the stars littering the night sky. It was almost as if they were blinking down at him from up there, and perhaps they were, through Kaito’s eyes at least. </span>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>
  <span>‘You wouldn’t have to worry about that’, Kaito responded, again ruffling the bluenette’s hair, happy that he could be of help to the detective he too admired. </span>
</p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>